Who Has Time for Marriage
The divorce rates are significant for families of children with autism. It doesn’t surprise me because most days my wife and I feel like we have lived for a thousand years. You are pulled in every direction and often the days are not filled with a lot of positivity. We vowed very early in this journey to not be another statistic. We were going to make it.
I always love running into new couples. The “honeymoon” stage was my favourite. You hold hands, you are still shy at times, and you are still trying to impress. I remember the exact moment my wife said, “I love you” and also the outfit my wife wore on our first, second, and third dates. I am what many would refer to as a romantic. I believe this has made the current environment harder for us. It is hard to find time for romance when you are still changing diapers after a decade.
Amy and I were only married for a year before Ashton was born. We had dated for quite a while, but life came fast. Married, new house, first child, all in the span of two months. We barely had time to be married before we were parents. And two years later we were parents of a child with autism. You may not think this makes a difference that early, but it does. The sleep disturbances, the picky eating, and then worrying about the future quickly put our marriage on cruise control.
Over the last decade, there have been ups and downs. I believe in transparency so to say that we have not had discussions surrounding the “d” word would be a lie. In today’s society, I get that it is more common and maybe not treated as important as it used to be, but for us it is. Those discussions were not easy and they usually had nothing to do with anything we could control. Stress, environment, and situation are a heavy weight on a marriage. But time after time, we vowed to make it through as we were still in love.
The majority of fights come from being worn down. Unlike a lot of marriages, it is not from finances, or taking a child’s side over the other parent, it is from being tired. Somebody yells too loud or gets angry at something one of the children did, or about how we are not spending enough time together. It doesn’t really matter the reason, what matters is that the conclusion is often really not that important in the grand scheme of life. I think that is how we have survived, when you have two children with autism everything else in life seems easier. Whether it is or not is a different story.
Even today we fight to make time for each other. Numerous times per year we vow to schedule “date nights” or time together. Rarely does it happen because we are coming to a point where finding help for the children is difficult. Medications that I have trouble remembering when and how much, sleep disturbances, just the sheer size of my oldest as he is now pushing 100 lbs. Having grandparents watch the children is becoming less and less likely as they reach their seventies, and our children reach their teenage years. Most dates today are covered by respite workers and at the rising cost of this it is usually just cheaper to stay home.
Every couple has problems. Those who say they don’t are lying. I have learned that the “Facebook family” does not actually exist outside of pictures. This makes me feel better as it means that everybody is in the same fight, not just us. I couldn’t imagine being in the current environment without Amy, who as I have said in the past is my rock. We have said that “we couldn’t afford to be divorced”, but we both know it is just a running joke (although my parents don’t always find it funny). In the end, we find our happiness when we can and that is what matters.
Amy, I love you.
