The Bigger Dog
Quote – “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.”
Reality – “It’s always the size of the dog.”
I had numerous dogs growing up, I remember their first year was always my favourite as they were pups and you could easily play with them, cuddle them, and honestly take them anywhere. Then they grew up into farm dogs and often outweighed me at times during my childhood.
Now I get to use the metaphor with my children.
As Ashton turns thirteen next month, and Trystan eleven, they are no longer little boys. As kids, the best way to get them out of a meltdown was to pick them up and throw them around. This is always why they liked the male therapists more because they were able to handle the sheer physicality of “roughhousing”.
Now, I throw out my back every time Ashton tries to play dead weight when he doesn’t want to do something. Walking in public the wrong way, dead weight, taking him to the doctor, dead weight. It is probably a fluke that I am not in a worse condition than I am.
Throughout my life, I was both in shape and out of shape. I played sports but I also was a highly emotional eater. In high school, I remember weighing both 240 lbs and 130 lbs, all within two years before moving on to university. Back then getting in shape was more about self-confidence, athletics, and probably picking up girls. Nowadays, it is about being able to handle two soon-to-be teenagers who will outweigh their mother and when frustrated have more strength than most powerlifters I know.
In the past, I have told the story of my “wake-up call”. Carrying Ashton up two flights of stairs to bed every night for an entire year until finally, I had to set him down at the first landing. I was sweating, out of breath, and frankly not sure that we both weren’t going to nap on the landing until morning.
I ended up getting him to bed that night, but it also gave me a sense of fear that I couldn’t handle my own children. It was the ah-ha moment that led to my current lifestyle which is now going on for close to a decade. I eat differently than most, train more than most, and have a different idea of “nights at the bar” than most. I would take a gym over a lounge any day.
Having children with autism is both mentally and physically demanding. They don’t understand what “heavy” or “too big” means, they only understand that you are there for amusement and at times are a climbing apparatus. We have had to tell numerous grandparents and respite workers to say “no” because if you pick them up then they will expect us to do the same. I really shouldn’t have to tell my 70-year-old father to not pick up the 100 lb child. But it is his thing he shares with Ashton, and it makes it harder to break the cycle.
I honestly would preach to those listening that before your children get older, try and make as many changes to yourself as possible. Once they reach a certain age it becomes too time-consuming and you will be overworked, and too tired to stick to adjustments. I got lucky that we have the resources and finances that I can have a treadmill in the basement and a gym membership. This has allowed me a lot of freedom to not only remain in shape but also to get rid of some of my anxiety and aggression. The gym to me is therapy.
It also helps that my wife lives the same lifestyle; if I had to watch her eat pizzas every day, I am not sure I could stick to it. We spend many mornings working out together and then tell others this is our “date night” because it probably is.
You don’t need to go as far as our family has to be in shape, but I do think that you will want to be better than average. Our children are far enough on the spectrum that I know I will one day have to handle meltdowns differently and it may take some size and strength to overcome. Not something I want to think about at this point but as I have said before, I am a realist. In the end, you make the choice, but we chose to make sure we were always ahead of them. We wanted to be the bigger dog.
