Lost a Few Along the Way
It’s not their fault, it comes with the territory. I just wasn’t ready for it.
In my twenties, I spent most of my waking hours with friends. I was not like the past generation who had had kids, a career, a mortgage, and a plan by their mid-twenties. Instead, I had student loans, a paper degree, a low-paying introductory job, and a nightlife. At that point, I hadn’t even met the person who would be my future wife.
To be transparent, I am an introvert. These days my dream free day would be on the couch, empty house, Netflix, and a pillow. Even in university, I used to be a frequent flyer at Family Video with their seven movies, seven days, seven bucks (wow, this ages me). The only time I become an extrovert is in front of an audience, or at work with a client. I refer to it as forced extroversion; when I have to I will.
Having children with autism takes a toll on relationships. Spouses, family, work, and probably the most affected are friends. Before, visiting friends’ houses who also were starting new families was ordinary. Kids cried, kids pooped, and nobody was any the wiser. This kept most of our friendships rather even keel during this time as both of our friend circles were in the same stage of life as we were.
Jump ahead a decade, and things change. You learn quickly that events outside the house become more difficult. My wife handles it better than me and I will be the first to admit I can still be uncomfortable in public. I would rather protect my children from stares and people’s opinions, but to my family, it seems more like I am protecting myself. It is probably both.
The attendance at events slowed over time. Kids events were the first to go as we just couldn’t spend the entire event chasing our kids in and out of people’s houses and trying to make sure we didn’t break anything. It became easier to just say no and avoid the amount of work it took to attend. The next one to go was adult events. When your children don’t sleep, and you must feed, change, and pretty much follow them around all day, every day, it is not easy to go out and be social. During the first few years, I continued playing hockey, drinking in the room afterward, and going to the odd party here and there. After a month of five-hour nights of sleep, this was gone too. I am lucky today if we attend two or three per year. It’s just too much to balance.
I think a lot of our friends just stopped asking because they didn’t want to force us to say no. I am not writing this to make anybody feel bad, as it is 100% our situation. I wouldn’t be chasing down friends who never have time for me either. Friendship is a two-way street, but with children with special needs that street doesn’t actually go anywhere. It gets lonely at times, but my wife is my best friend and that is important to hold onto.
The one thing I can say is that certain people just get it. We have a couple of friends that had talks with their children about autism, and why our children act the way they do. This made it much easier to have people over to the house. They also come to us mostly, because they know how hard it is. This is great because we get to see our children have “friends” and my wife also gets adult time, as much of the day is spent at home with two non-verbal children. I am sure she would say she gets lonely as well.
The other friends that get it are the ones that just show up. We don’t have huge birthday parties for our children because, to be honest, that is not what they want. But each year I still have a few people that show up and “try”. They bring presents, they sit and talk with Amy and me, and they try to interact. As it is said, it is the thought that counts. And it really is.
This will not be the same for everybody; it just is for us. We spend a lot more time with family than we used to because being comfortable becomes important. Plus, our children know them the best and want to spend time with people they know. There are still days I miss being social, but it does fade over time. I don’t miss the hangovers.
