A Guilty Conscience

I never imagined that the most intense feeling in my life would be guilt.

 

Have you ever been paralyzed by guilt? It is a feeling that I cannot even explain, it’s like your fight or flight response is relatively useless because your emotions are a greater threat. For those that will never have the feeling of not being able to catch your breath, consider yourselves lucky.

       

I never imagined that our own house would one day feel like a jail cell. 

 

Amy and I have talked numerous times about how we would plan out days off so that we both could try and live a “normal” life on the side while raising both our boys. The strategy sounded fine; the execution was a much bigger problem. 

 

For both of us, the thought of leaving the other alone to handle the size of the responsibility that we have in our house was unbearable. Even when I have to leave for work, I honestly fight the feeling of guilt until I get back home.

 

Schedule

 

Our lives are a revolving clock.

 

 I could probably tell you at any moment during the workday what my wife and kids are doing down to the minute. We have created this schedule as a coping mechanism for the behaviour issues that our oldest son has. If the day goes the same as yesterday, we get a much less stressful day. If things change, hold on because the roller coaster may be longer than you want to ride.

 

This is one of the guilt issues. If one of us has to leave the house (other than for work), the boys view it as a schedule change.

 

The other night we had a date night, and the moment Amy came down not wearing her usual “stay at home” clothes, our boys knew. Through the tears and the behaviours, we finally had to just leave and apologize once again to the respite worker we left to fend off the attitude. We know that within minutes they are back to normal, but when every time you leave for some alone time you get a gut-wrenching cry, it affects your night.

 

The same thing happens when we try to get the kids out of the house. Our children have not slept outside of our house in over a decade as of January this year. This means that my wife and I have not been alone in our house overnight for more than a decade. I cannot put into words how much you miss quiet alone time in your own house when you know you cannot ever have it. Until our kids move out (or we do), this is probably going to continue.

 

One Another

 

I used to believe that we could manage stress by taking alternate time away from the house. This was before we realized that both of us were controlled by the feeling of guilt. A night out is one thing when you know that a couple of hours of crying or behaviour could most likely be mitigated, but to get away for a weekend is not a possibility. 

 

The funny part is, we both know deep down that the kids would survive, and we could power through. The bad part is, we are both, so guilt-driven that we don’t want to do that to one another.

 

This is where respite is our lifesaver. 

 

We have been lucky (I call it luck, but I know it was Amy), as we have a group of strong workers who are available most days and nights around their own work schedules. We usually can get a weekend away per year and a night every few months. 

 

The problem is that the last overnight “staycation” in Saskatoon cost me more than a flight to Vegas. By the time you pay for the hotel, the meal out, the entertainment, and then for the overnight cost of a worker in your house, it teeters close to $700 or more. This is a big ask for a night alone with your spouse.

 

A Family in Need

 

Our families were always our lifeline if things got bad enough that we needed a break. The problem becomes even with them, we have started to let guilt run our decisions. 

 

The medications, the size of the boys, the needs and behaviours, have become such that even now we feel it is unfair to leave them alone. Our parents probably wouldn’t tell us if it got bad, but we know that nights when the kids don’t sleep are stressful for even people our age.

 

In the end, this is a “we” problem, but still a problem, nonetheless. 

 

You learn to push through when it is work and you know you need to do it to support your family. On the other hand, Amy always knows that I don’t leave by choice unless I must, and for this, we both are grateful that we are so committed to one another. It is the other times that we need to start working on, the ability to breathe and the ability to try and enjoy some adult time.

 

Some would say that chatting with two non-verbal children may be just talking to yourself…